Eight years.

Can’t even fathom it’s been 8 years tomorrow.

I frequently watch the slideshow that Anna made for his funeral. I just watched it and re-studied the face that was once so familiar. I have a video of him laughing, the laugh that I frequently heard from the other room. Jon’s laugh was one of a kind. He laughed hardest at his own jokes and it was unforgettable. But, it’s not as familiar any longer. Speaking of laughter from the other room… so much time has gone by that hearing a man’s voice in the house used to be odd. But, now that the boys are getting older and their voices are changing, I now hear the deeper sounds of voices in the house that only belonged to him. Even Nicholas has a deeper voice and time is going by so fast.

Dear Jon,

I sometimes imagine that you’re just away for a long time, and when I see you again, I can’t wait to tell you everything that’s been going on in our world. Before you died, I believed that there was an afterlife, and that our departed loved ones are always watching us and take the form of some “guardian angel”. Either I’m too stressed or busy to recognize that you’re here with us in spirit, or, you’re just not. And, maybe I feel that you’re not happy with how our lives are going. I know that if you were here, life would be so much easier for all of us. Our struggles would not be so large, and we would be more of a family unit. What I can say, is that they know I love them. I’m doing my best, but the best thing would be if you were still here.

I really missed you at Nicholas’s first football game that he played in. How proud you would be of him that he’s been so dedicated to the team and practices and going to the gym. I know you’d be the proudest man in the stands. I WISH you were there and you could have seen him play. He even looks up at me in the stands and nods at me (you know, in that “I’m a cool kid but I see my mom” kind of nod). When he first got called in to play, the song “cotton eyed joe” was playing as he ran out and you know how silly that song was and how you’d do a jig to that song. When I heard it playing, I JUST KNEW he would be called in, and he was. Maybe you were there. Papa and Ish were there too to root him on.

Andrew is quite the man now. He’s so aloof yet he shows his love in how he takes care of me. He is just like you when it comes to how you cared for me. He’s going to be an amazing man. You’ll be so proud of him. He has the spare room now and he keeps it so clean and takes pride in his things. And he’s driving now! When he got use of the Subaru, he detailed the entire car and takes good care of it. He even goes to the grocery store for me.

Sarah graduated high school early and is going to Durham Tech for now. She’s closer to grandma in Durham and grandma has been helping her with her classes. She’s strong willed and misses you so much. She does everything she can to be a part of your world. Yesterday she asked me for your CD case so that she could listen to the music you liked. She has your photos all over her room. I would LOVE to see how the two of you would interact. Remember how mad you would get at me for picking my fingers? She does that now and I try to stop her like you always tried to stop me. I would listen to you and stop, she just snaps back and me and I say “your dad would always tell me to stop”. I’d give anything for you to stop her like you stopped me. It’s those little things that make me wonder how our life would be now.

There is so much to say, it would take years.

What I know for sure is this. If I would have known how hard it would be without you, I surely would have grieved more earlier. I understood what it meant to lose someone, but, I had NO idea what it would actually feel like. I miss you terribly.

I love you forever.