The Death Positive Movement was coined by Caitlin Doughty and is defined by several tenets that basically state that positive changes can be made surrounding the discussions about death and dying. We need to be open to talk about death and dying, we need to break the silence of the funeral industry, we need to be active in changing the laws around death and dying, we need to ensure our choices are honored and that having a more hands on approach to caring for our dead can be a healing experience. It also follows the guidelines that the least harmful we are to the earth, the better.

I agree with these 100%. And I want to focus in on the green and natural burial advocacy. As a funeral director, I have witnessed first hand the peace a family feels after dressing a loved one, when a green burial creates a closeness that I’ve never witnessed at a traditional burial and when a mother gets the chance to decorate the wicker casket of her daughter with fresh cut flowers. The Death Positive and green burial movement is growing, and very slowly, I might add. I work at a traditional funeral home where we are also the leading and most trusted green burial provider in our area.

I advocate for green burial every day of my career, and I advocate for discussions around death and dying every waking moment of my life. I host Death Cafe at our funeral home and have gained an amazing community of friends and support. In my opinion, nothing is more fascinating than contemplating our own mortality and in doing so, embracing life.

Okay, now here is where I have a problem. I have come across other funeral professionals and advocates of the green burial and Death Positive movement who do not appreciate the struggles that people face when making these difficult decisions or they sensationalize it for their own gain.

As much as I advocate and believe in green burial, and natural choices, the fact remains that not every family will choose green burial. They will choose cremation, donation or traditional burial… and you know what? THAT choice is the RIGHT choice for that family. If someone wants to honor their father with a traditional burial with an embalmed body, I will be the first person to support their decision. As I write this I think about meeting with a widow, and listening and coming to the realization that a traditional burial will be most comforting to her. It what she knows and what she feels is best for her and her family. If I were only concerned about my own agenda, that would be the point in which I would pull out photos of an actual embalming, show them a trocar, present them with the increased rates of cancer that embalmers face. I don’t, and do you want to know why? Because NOW is the point where I support the family in their decisions, because I Know that some point during our conference, I have presented all the options, including green burial. It’s not that I think my fellow advocates are belittling the choices of a family at an arrangement conference, I don’t. But I have witnessed these individuals make judgmental comments regarding the final disposition. After the funeral is over, we still need to be sensitive about any choice that a family makes.

I don’t think there is a great time to talk about the invasive procedure of embalming; however, we are not a very educated society when it comes to death care. As funeral professionals, we have resources that we can share without using shock and awe tactics to educate our community. Embalming is not a “dirty secret” procedure than needs uncovered. Anyone can google how an embalming is performed. I’m not hiding anything, I’ll answer direct questions when asked. I am always respectful to the fact that I don’t know who is listening, or what their situation is, I don’t know if they have just buried, in a traditional manner, their loved one. What if they chose what was best for them? What if they didn’t know about green burial? What if they chose cremation because that is what was discussed beforehand with their loved one? I would hate to be the one who complicates their grief because of my beliefs.

Do you want to know how I choose to promote the Death Positive Movement and green burial? I bring it up gently at the arrangement conference. While showing them the traditional caskets, I also show them the green burial caskets and shrouds. Many times the children of an elderly loved one asks more questions and is interested in green burial. I often do pre-arrangements for planning their own green burials. Additionally, I speak to the public about green burial and I talk about the beauty of green choices.

This discussion is so close to my heart because I, a green burial advocate, chose to have my husband embalmed when he died. I made this choice. Contrary to many extreme anti-embalming folks, I felt this was the best choice for me. My husband died suddenly, 2400 miles away from Raleigh, NC. He had to have an autopsy, I had no choice in that. I needed to see my husband, I yearned to say goodbye. Could he have been transferred to Raleigh un-embalmed? Yep… but

My husband being offloaded at RDU

My husband being offloaded at RDU

after several days, waiting for burial transit permits and being released from the Medical Examiner, many days passed. I know what happens to bodies after several days, even with refrigeration, flying cross-country with a layover in NY. So, yeah, I’m 100% okay with my choice. There is a place for embalming, and even if there isn’t a good enough reason, it is still the best choice for that family because it helps them grieve. My husband discussed his choice for cremation when we had our talk about dying when I was in school. I had someone tell me once, not knowing I had just cremated my husband, “How could anyone chose cremation? It’s SO DIRTY”. Okay, I understand this was one person, but it leads me back to the school of thought that putting anyone’s decisions down about disposition can be hurtful. As professionals, we need to be thoughtful about the verbiage we use, and remember who it may affect. We may be causing more harm than good.

Our movement will be heard, we will be successful, but we need to be gentle about it. What I respect the most about Caitlin is she always says that if you want a traditional burial, and that helps you grieve, then you should follow your heart. I actually shared my story with her and she didn’t tell me about the butt plugs that may have been inserted into my husband and I appreciated that. She didn’t need that “shock value” to get her point across. That is what gains respect in our profession and one that I wish everyone would follow.

You may be wondering now why I am writing about this? I am writing about this because there are people out there, in my area and elsewhere, that think shaming the system will advance their movement. I beg to differ, and choose to approach it a little more gentle. Basically there are some people out there who are fighting the green burial movement, but I don’t think we should give them any more fuel. What I do know, is that there are more caring, ethical and amazing people in this business. We should be the quiet storm and ethically promote.

I thank you Caitlin for shaping me, a newcomer to the industry, to respect, yet stand up for what I believe.
( A link to what the Death Positive Movement is not )